So, this Sunday was Mothering Sunday, a day I tend to struggle with. I didn’t see my Mother or Step Mother today, but I sent cards and small gifts. This year is particularly hard; Anthony’s lovely Grandmother and our Daughter’s Great Grandmother, sadly passed away very recently. It is also the first Mother’s Day since my one of my closest friends, newborn son, tragically passed away. I knew today was a day that required a lot of self care for many people and they needed much love sending to them, they needed it most. I dedicated my Mothering Sunday post, to these special people and their loved ones. Follow the link to read that post.
Anthony always makes sure I am feeling okay on Mother’s Day, but today instead of feeling fragile, I felt strong and steady. I wished several family members and friends, a Happy Mother’s Day and celebrated my seven Godchildren. I spent some well-needed quality time with my handsome bearded man, whilst thinking about, talking to and writing to our beautiful baby girl. Through these actions, I felt content within myself once I had finished.
Today of all days, I felt that I needed to start as I mean to go on. It felt time to conquer some fears and push myself to heal, but most importantly I felt ready to take those steps for the first time in ten months. Since my surgery last June, I have been much less body confident and painfully shy when it comes to; my catheter, stoma, tubes, urine bags, recurrent infections or leg covers. So much so, that it has knocked my confidence in myself in general and I lost faith in my ability to write or be a good partner, mother and friend.
Anyone who knows me personally will can tell you that I am not a shy person and outward self-confidence, is not something I tend to struggle with. Many of my regular readers will be aware, I was a victim of violent hate crime; the night before, the day of and for weeks after my surgery last year. I feel that this horrific ordeal has had the most significant impact when it comes to my general confidence in myself as a person.
Once I made this decision, the decision not to let that crazy psychopath ruin what confidence I have left, I got up, got washed and dressed, flossed and brushed my teeth, completed my morning skincare routine and hit the local town centre with Anthony. We finished our shopping in a local supermarket, where an eight year old child thought it was acceptable to repeatedly ram a shopping basket stand into my feet and the side of my wheelchair! Anthony was not happy, but after I politely told the child off, he ran away and we were able to laugh at the boys actions and his reaction to Anthony’s gaze.
We arrived home laughing, (despite my bladder being exceptionally painful) and to the sound of Dan jamming to The Gorillas, in the kitchen. I did it, I conquered a fear, I gained some new found freedom and boosted my self-esteem. The lads recently bought Guitar Hero, I knew Anthony was busting a gut to get back on it for a while, so I took the opportunity to run myself a bubble bath. I used my favourite Moringa Bath Bomb from The Body Shop, oh the smell is glorious! On Friday, I purchased a few new Body Shop products and they were all from the Moringa range ,so I paired my bath bomb with the moringa body wash and cooling body yoghurt on my arms and legs after my bath.
Anthony changed our bedding, so it was lovely and fresh – that is one of my favourite combinations, clean bedding and being fresh from the bath/shower. There is something so calming and relaxing about it. Sunday’s are the day of the week I feel most relaxed and peaceful, so Anthony and I snuggled in bed and watched an episode from series five of Game Of Thrones. The only reason we got out of bed was because our friend, Kyle turned up so we could sit down for our first round of Dungeons and Dragons, with Dan as Dungeon Master. We ordered pizza, drank cider and laughed our heads off.
I’m not going to lie, I was so confused during the first part of D & D, but I feel much more at one with my character ‘Viva Mulan, The Goblin Slayer’, now. To be fair, my character is savage when it comes to goblin slaying, so the name is extremely fitting and I’m channelling my new found confidence through her. Dan, plays a great dungeon master and Kyle, always has a way of explaining things to me so I understand. Stewart, I just adore Stewart, he spends the whole time making me smile and laugh, but I did miss Liam, who was too poorly to play. Of course my Anthony was his usual; hilarious, silly, bizarre self, which made my day. Seeing Anthony happy and laughing with his friends, fills me with joy.
We played a good two hours of Dungeons and Dragons, before the lads went home and Anthony watched Match of the Day. By the end of play, my eyes were rolling back in my head due to tiredness, so Anthony put me to bed. I took my meds, snuggled down under the duvet and watched another episode of Game Of Thrones, we’re trying to re-watch all the previous series just in time for the new series to air. It’s such a brilliant and developed storyline, that I never get bored of re-watching every single episode.
Now tucked up in bed, I completed my nighttime skincare routine, brushed my hair and applied my hair serum, set my morning alarms and medication alarms, for the upcoming week. I wrote my Monday to-do-list, checked my weekly diary appointments, made sure Anthony had re-filled my week long medication pots, put all my devices on charged, posted my last blog post of the week and finally, I attached my overnight urine collection bag. Clearly my nighttime routine is more complex than I first realised!
I am looking forward to starting this new week as I mean to go on. Believing in myself a little more, knowing, understanding and appreciating my worth, accepting the love, trust and confidence Anthony gives to me and being thankful for my wonderful friends and how much they make me laugh. I am grateful to be surrounded by beautiful people, to have exceptional godchildren and a beautiful daughter.
I will be eternally grateful to; the children, mothers, godmothers, aunties, grandmothers and friends, who have touched my life and the lives of my loved ones, but have passed on. Whether we got plenty of time with you or barely ten minutes, you left an us full of love and taught us the most valuable lessons in life. Thank you.